


Secrets That We Share

by MidnightCraze



Category: Divergent Series - Veronica Roth
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-28
Updated: 2015-04-17
Packaged: 2018-01-06 10:06:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1105533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidnightCraze/pseuds/MidnightCraze
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Beatrice Prior chooses Dauntless over Abnegation and leaves her family behind. What she finds in the Dauntless headquarters is more than a new faction and new people. - A canon AU in which Tris and Tobias knew each other before he left Abnegation.</p><p>-abandoned-</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. REBELLIOUSNESS (Prologue)

**Author's Note:**

> This is a canon AU in which Tris and Four were secretly seeing each other before he left Abnegation to join Dauntless. Hope you like it.  
> I need a beta - feel free to offer yourself.  
> My English might not be perfect - I'm doing my best but there can be mistakes.

He finds me at school the day before his aptitude test, asking me to skip the rest of my classes that day and sneak away with him. I only look around to see no one is watching and agree.

We leave school ground and find an abandoned alley. He sits down and, taking my hand in his, pulls me down towards him. I laugh as I lose balance and find myself sitting in his lap.

For a few quiet minutes we just sit there without saying a word. Then he kisses me, a couple of chaste kisses that soon turn into a deep and passionate one. His tongue darts out of his mouth to follow the line of my lips and finds mine as I part them for him.

We break the kiss, both of us gasping for air. I close my eyes and lean my forehead against his. If someone saw us like that they'd find it a very strange sight: two teenagers in gray Abnegation clothes having a moment of intimacy. I open my eyes and find myself staring into depths of dark blue eyes.

I wonder when we have fallen in love with each other. Our small act of rebelliousness – against the Abnegation ideals we both didn't agree with, against the strict rules – has turned into something much more. Somehow, we fell in love along the way.

"I need you," he whispers, his breaths hot against my face, sending shivers down my spine.

I take my head back, startled, and divert my eyes from his. "What?"

He looks down, bright pink begins to color his face. But when he looks up again and finds my eyes he is confident and decisive. "I need you, Beatrice. I _want_ you. Please."

I swallow and bite my lips. "Where?" I ask quietly, surprising even myself. We touch and we kiss but we never do more than that. As much as I like being with him, having more terrifies me.

"My father…" He takes a deep breath and starts again. "My father will be late tonight. He is helping with the organizations for the ceremony."

I understand the meaning behind those words. We can go to his house, to be in his room, and his father won't know. My parents will not know. No one will. We have a place, we have the time, and he is willing to do it. All we need is my consent.

I nod. "Okay."

He smiles. "I love you, Beatrice Prior."

I lean forward to kiss him again. "I love you too, Tobias Eaton."

~8~

We take the bus to his house because at this time of the day there are no people from Abnegation on it. Everyone is either at work or at school. We get off two streets away from there just in case and make sure no one sees us as we enter his house.

I've been here before, once, when I was very young and his mother was still alive. My father came here to talk to Marcus about something, and he took me with him. His mother played with the both of us outside while our fathers talked inside.

The house is small and built just like my own: a small corridor leading to the living room and the kitchen, a door opening to a little bathroom and another one hiding the stairs we climb to reach his bedroom.

Tobias' room has only practical things in it: a small bed with gray sheets, a closet for the few clothes he has and a desk with schoolbooks neatly piled next to another pile of some notebooks. Gray curtains cover the window, hiding us from the rest of the world.

We stand in the middle of his room in an awkward silence. Being Abnegation, we know the basic lines of what should come, but we don't know exactly how to do it. No one ever talks about it in our faction, and I find myself wondering how older people learn to do it. Are they having awkward time like we have before they finally understand?

"So…" Tobias says, flailing his hands in embarrassment. "I think we should… you know… take our clothes off." He isn't looking at me, staring in his feel instead.

"Yeah."

He looks up. "You want me to do it first?"

I feel my face getting hotter by the moment. "I think we should do it together."

He nods, and then he turns himself so he is right in front of me. Taking a step closer, he lays his hands on my hips and kisses me. The familiar feeling of his lips and his hands relaxes me, as I'm sure it's doing to him, and I lean into the kiss, wrapping my arms around his neck and moan as he bites my lower lip.

His hands leave my waist as he starts unbuttoning my gray robe. I bring one hand between us to help him and then I take it off and we do the same with his. We kiss again, trying to find that reassuring feeling of heat and comfort. His hands make their way down my shoulders and hips until he slips them beneath the hems of my shirt. I quiver with fear and stress but raise my hands so he can take it off.

Once it's off I cover myself with my hands. He looks me in the eyes, not taking his eyes off mine to look at my body. "Beatrice, can I look at you?"

I blush even more but nod my agreement, and he takes a step back and looks at my body. My arms are still covering my bra and I don't look at him. I already feel naked.

"You're beautiful," he says, reaching his hands and taking mine in his. He moves them away and looks at me, smiling. "You're so beautiful."

~8~

I have promised him to be in the ceremony, but my parents don't think I should go since I shouldn't know anyone from this age and have no logical reason to be there. And I can't tell them they're wrong.

Before his aptitude test I ask him if he's worried. If it was me I would be, but he shakes his head and says he don't care what the results are, he knows what he should do. I smile and wish him good luck. Seeing no one is around, I kiss him quickly and we part, me going inside the dining room and finding my brother and him waiting a few minutes to walk in after me.

We don't sit at the same table, but I glance at him whenever I have the chance. He seems to be much calmer than the rest who sit in his table. His name starts with "E" so he is being called not far from the beginning, and I'm glad for it because I want to be here when he walks out. He looks at me for a moment when he stands up and I smile at him.

I stay focused on the door until I feel Caleb nudging me. "Beatrice," he says.

"What?"

"Are you okay?"

I sigh and turn to look at him, smiling. "Yeah, I'm fine."

But then Tobias comes back into the room. He is pale and isn't looking calm anymore. I try to catch his eyes, but he doesn't look in my direction as he leaves the place.

~8~

I convince Caleb to cover for me the day later so I can go to the ceremony.

"What will I say?" he asks, desperate.

I flail my hands. "I don't know! Say I am helping some Dauntless girl who broke her leg jumping from the train or something!"

"Why do you want to go anyway?"

"I just want. Please, Caleb," I add when I realize I don't need him to be angry with me for not being nice.

He agrees.

~8~

I make my way up the stairs between tens of Abnegation members. Tobias is a few steps ahead, looking stressed and… scared.

When we arrive to the floor of the ceremony I quickly make my way towards him, and before we part our ways I squeeze his hand. There are too many people around us to notice it.

He looks in my eyes and says without a voice, _I love you_.

I smile warmly and do the same.

It is the first time I attend the Choosing Ceremony, so I follow the other people from Abnegation and sit between them. I find Tobias standing between the others from his group of age, waiting to be called forward and choose their faction.

I turn to look at the center of the room. Five metal bowls are lined up one next to another, each one containing something else. I realize each bowl represents a different faction, and I match them with the symbols for each one: the earth must be for Amity and the lit coals for Dauntless. The glass and water make me think for a moment before I match glass with Candor and water with Erudite. The gray stones are definitely for Abnegation.

A woman in a red Amity jeans and a yellow sweater walks inside. I recognize her as Johanna Reyes, mostly because of the famous scar she has on her face, going all the way from her eye to her chin. It is Amity's turn to organize the ceremony.

Johanna raises her hands with a smile and everyone turns quiet. "Welcome," she says, her voice loud and clear, "to the Annual Choosing Ceremony!" A few people clap politely and she continues. "Every year, our sixteen-years-old boys and girls must choose their way of life: they choose what kind of people they are.

"The factions we live in help us keep order and peace. Everyone has the chance to live by the principles they believe in. Those who believe in giving without limits choose to live among the modest Abnegation, to give from themselves to those who need it. Those who seek knowledge and wish to always learn go to the clever Erudite. If honesty is what you search for, if you want to live your life surrounded only by truth, Candor is the right place for you. Amity welcomes everyone who desires peace more than anything else. And those who are brave and fearless choose to spend the rest of their lives in the Dauntless faction.

"Each faction gives something important to this city, and we cannot exist without counting on one another." She fixes her eyes on those waiting to choose and smiles warmly. "Fear not of choosing wrong, but do not choose without thinking. Take the minutes you have left before you're being called to think about yourselves: who are you? What do you believe? Where do you want to live and what do you want to do with your life?

"Choose wisely."

She finishes and the people in the crowd clap. I join them as I find Tobias again.

"When I call your name, step forward and take this knife." She raises a knife above her head so everyone can see. "Make a cut in your hand and let your blood drop into the bowl representing the faction you choose.

"Susan Zane."

A short girl with brown hair and scared face wearing Candor's black and white clothes steps forward. She flinches as she cuts herself and then she chooses Candor. She's staying with her family. She gives the knife back to Johanna and goes to stand behind the Candor seats.

"Michael Yale."

A boy I know from Abnegation takes the knife. He looks calm as he cuts himself and joins Abnegation. I clap with a smile on my face as he makes his way to stand behind us.

Johanna keeps calling names according to the family names in a reversed alphabetical order. Tobias will be one of the lasts.

The first one to transfer to a different faction is Mathew Scott. He is a small boy from Amity who looks as if he just might faint when he chooses Candor. I hear a woman cries – probably his mother – as he joins his new faction.

The line is getting shorter and shorter. No one from Abnegation leaves the faction, but no one joins us either, until Zoe Foster from Dauntless surprises everyone and lets her blood drop on the gray stones.

Only three more are being called before Tobias. Two of them are guys who join their original factions – Amity and Erudite – and the third is a Candor girl who transfers to Amity.

"Tobias Eaton," Johanna's clear voice announces.

Tobias makes his way towards her and takes the knife. He looks at us as he cuts himself, and for a moment his eyes find mine. I smile, waiting for him to choose Abnegation and join us again.

He reaches his hand.

His blood drops on the lit coals.

He chose Dauntless. He's leaving.

I want the world to swallow me. Tears run down my cheeks and I don't care if anyone sees me. Tobias looks at me again, his eyes begging me to forgive him, but I look away. He is leaving.


	2. Decisions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. This chapter is a bit different than what the next ones will be like. The reason is that there isn't much to do until Tris actually meets Tobias again. As you'll see when you read the chapter - the lines of the plot are the same but the words are different. This chapter is a lot like the book - I actually used the book to write it. The book I have isn't in English so I translated afew stuff. The next chapters will not be like that: the idea of the plot will remain, but it might take different directions. For example - Eric and Four will train Tris' group and the Dauntless-born initiates will be separated from the transfers, but things might be different inside the groups. I'm not gonna use the book anymore, maybe just to check descriptions.
> 
> 2\. As for now the story is rated T. When the time comes (in a chapter or two, I think) it will turn into E.
> 
> 3\. If anyone wants to be my beta - contact me!
> 
> Last thing: I work really hard on this fic. I spent my entire Saturday writing it, even though tomorrow I go back to the army (yay! *she said cynically*). Please read and review!
> 
> Enjoy!

A small mirror on the white wall is the only thing that's in the room. I stay away from it because I don't want to see my reflection. I shouldn't look in the mirror.

My heart is beating fast and hard, my breaths are quick and heavy. I can feel the fear rising inside me, spreading to every nerve in my body.

I know the solution to it is to look in the mirror. I know if I stand in front of it the fear will go away, but I don't want to break the rules. Not again. Never again.

The thumps of my heart are getting stronger; I can almost hear them echoing in the silent room and I clench my fists and make myself stay on the floor. I must not look in the mirror.

But I have to make the fear go away. I realize I am crying and shaking but I don't know when it has begun.

 _You should look in the mirror,_ a small voice whispers inside my head. _Put an end to it. Look in the mirror._

"No!" I tell the voice and close my eyes. I put my hands on my ears, trying to ignore the voice, but it keeps talking to me until I break.

Crying out loud and screaming for the fear to go away I stand up and walk towards the mirror. I look down at my feet for a few long moments and then I stare into my reflection.

I don't know what I see there, but it wakes me up and I find myself covered in sweat in my bed. I lay there for a long time, staring at the ceiling. The dim light that breaches through my gray curtains is just enough to let me see the wood pattern on it.

I bring my hand up and check the time. 6:42, only three minutes before I need to wake up. I sigh and get out of bed. I go down the stairs to the bathroom to brush my teeth and then I go back to my room, make my bed like I do every morning and then change my pajamas to my usual Abnegation gray clothes.

My parents are already sitting by the breakfast table, but Caleb isn't. They greet me good morning when they see me and I smile and return the words.

Caleb and I leave the house half an hour later and walk towards the school. "Are you okay?" he asks with a worried look. "You look stressed."

I nod. "I'm fine. I just had a bad dream." Again, I think, but I don't say it. I've been having those dreams for a few weeks now, not the same one every time but the same concept: breaking the rules.

"You're scared of what will happen today?"

"No," I answer what I know I should answer, even though I am terrified. "I don't need the aptitude test to tell me where I belong."

Caleb nods. "I guess you're right. I am, though. Scared, I mean," he adds and laughs a little. "No one knows what happens in the test."

~8~

The morning classes pass by quickly. It always amazes me how the sixteen-year-olds of each year don't think about the fact this day's their last day of school. In lower grades we were all happy.

We sit silently at lunch, not because we don't want to talk but because the Abnegation ideals tell us to do so. The thought makes me grit my teeth inside my mouth and bite my inner cheek. _Maybe that's why Tobias has left. Maybe he couldn't bear the thought of living like that for the rest of his life,_ I think and flinch like I do whenever I think about him.

I haven't seen him even once since he's left Abnegation to join Dauntless. In the first few weeks I'd lay in bed at night and cry myself to sleep, but then I realized I couldn't go on like that and… pushed him away.

I don't like thinking about him.

In front of me is a plate full of plain food – rice and chicken and some peas – but I don't eat anything. I feel as though I might vomit just from putting the food in my mouth. Susan, my neighbor, tells me I should eat but I shake my head.

Caleb is being called to take the test before me. He looks calm despite saying he was afraid. He leaves the cafeteria along with 9 other kids, two from each faction, and I lose sight of him as he gets out. I wish him good luck in my heart.

Caleb was born to be an Abnegation. He is good and kind, always helping others, always forgetting his own needs and desires. He fits into Abnegation so much it makes it even harder for me to do so. I'm always the sister of the perfect guy, the one who's not as good as he is.

I am the exact opposite: I don't believe I should give up everything to help others, I don't think I shouldn't have a happy, comfort life because then I would forget I need to give to others.

I don't hate the Abnegation ideal and rules, I just hate the extremism. I didn't fit in Abnegation for 16 years, how can I fit in 60 more?

Caleb comes out, looking shaken. His face is pale and his hands are shaking, and his eyes gaze into the air without seeing what's in front of him.

I don't have the time to ask him what's wrong because a woman calls my name. "From Abnegation: Beatrice Prior and Susan Black."

I walk with Susan towards the door. Each step feels like thousands. I'm sure Susan can hear my heart beats fast in my chest.

Ten rooms are waiting for us outside the cafeteria, separated my mirrors. Susan and I both stop for a moment and the memory of my recent nightmare floods in my mind. "Move on, Stiffs!" an Erudite boy calls as he pushes us aside.

Susan isn't looking up as she enters room number 5, keeps looking at the ground, but I can't stop myself from looking at my reflection. I can never see my reflection like that. My blonde hair is in a ponytail in the back of my head, long enough to cover my long neck and ends in my shoulder blades which are covered in gray Abnegation robe. I look ill as I enter room number 6.

A Dauntless woman waits for me in the room. She has dark hair and small, angular eyes and she's wearing all black like all the members of Dauntless. When she turns to close the door I see a tattoo of a hawk on her nape.

She stands next to a machine I don't recognize and a reclined chair and smiles at me as she tells me to take a seat. "My name is Tori," she says, "and you have nothing to be afraid about."

"What is going to happen?" I ask.

She shakes her head. "I can't tell you." She moves around me, attaching electrodes to my head and my chest. When she finished she offers me a vial full of clear liquid. "Drink this."

I take it in my hand and look at it for a few moments before drinking it fast and closing my eyes.

~8~

There are two baskets on a table in the school's cafeteria; in one is a hunk of cheese and in the other a long knife. I look around, wondering how is it that's I'm here. I shouldn't be here. I step closer to the baskets to examine them better. The hunk of cheese is just a regular cheese, but the knife looks deadly.

"Choose," a woman says from behind me, but when I turn I see no one.

But how should I choose? I don't know what I'm going to need them for. "What for?" I ask loudly.

"Choose!"

"Not until you tell me why!"

"Fine. It's your choice."

The baskets and the tables disappear and I find myself standing in a white room with no windows, only one door. It cracks open and a dog with pointy nose enters the room. He growls at me and now I understand the purpose of the cheese and the knife. _Too late_ , I think.

I feel the wheels in my brain working. What should I do?

~8~

When I wake up at the end of the simulation I feel like I've been here for days, but I know it hasn't been more than a few minutes. The pictures from the simulations run behind my eyes – the dog and the little girl, the man in the bus. I shiver when I remember the man in the bus.

I look around. Tori stands next to me, taking the electrodes off my head while looking nervous. "What is it?" I ask. I have the feeling something isn't right.

"Your results are… confusing. I'm sorry, give me a minute." She busies herself with the machine for a few long minutes in which I feel my palms being covered in sweat and my heart beating strong. Every minute that passes and she says nothing increases my fear.

She finally stops dealing with the machine and takes my hand in hers, squeezing it. "Listen to me, Beatrice," she says quietly and urgently. "What I'm going to say to you now is very important and very dangerous.

"Your results were inconclusive. You see, the simulation is design in a way that it eliminates one faction in each stage of the simulation, so in the end it rules out four factions and leaves you the one you fit with.

"But your reactions to the simulations ruled out only two factions."

I try to understand what she's saying to me. "You mean… I can be in three factions?"

She nods. "I'll go through it with you from the beginning so you understand: first you had to choose between the cheese and the knife, which basically is Amity or Dauntless. You didn't choose, though, so I ruled out both. You were highly intelligent when the dog entered the room, which indicates strongly towards Erudite. But the fact you jumped on that dog to save the little girl shows a strong connection to Dauntless, but we ruled out Dauntless in the first part of the simulation because you didn't take the knife. It also connects you to Abnegation because of your choice to help the girl on your expense. You're following this far?"

I nod, swallowing the lump in my throat.

"Now we get to the bus. You didn't tell this man the truth, even though you knew he badly needed it." When I look away feeling guilt bubbling inside me she smiles reassuringly. "Don't worry, only Candors say the truth in this test. So that means we rule out Candor.

"Well, it's not exactly true. People who belong with Abnegation also tell the truth in this one. So we rule out Abnegation."

I'm not following anymore. She's talking about ruling out factions and reactions that mean something, but I didn't see it like that. I didn't try to fit somewhere during the simulation – I tried to follow my instincts, my heart.

Tori notices. "In the end, what I'm trying to say is that you have three possible results: Abngation, Erudite and Dauntless."

I blink my eyes a few times, confused. I've never heard of people with more than one result.

"Now, hear me carefully, Beatrice. When a person has more than one possible match, he is called **_divergent_**. You shouldn't let anyone know about this."

I nod. I know I shouldn't talk about the test results.

But Tori shakes her head, a stern look on her strong face features. "Beatrice, you can _never_ talk about this. Not with your family, not with your friends – with anyone. Being divergent is extremely dangerous.

"I deleted the record of your simulation from the computer. I'll write your result manually. I'm going to write Abnegation, but you have a lot to think about. You have less than 24 hours before the Choosing Ceremony, use the time you've got left to figure out where you want to be.

"You should go home now. Don't go back to your friends in the cafeteria."

"But… my brother…"

"Ah, yeah. Interesting boy. I examined him as well. I'll let him know you weren't feeling well. Now go."

I get up, my legs feel like they're about to collapse. Before I leave, I ask her, "What's the meaning of your tattoo?"

She raises her eyebrows at me and brings her hand to touch the tattoo on the back of her neck. "In some cultures the hawk represents the sun. It's a reminder that I managed to overcome my fear of the dark."

"You were afraid of the dark?"

She smiles. "No one has no fears. Not even members of Dauntless. Go, Tris. Take your time to think."

I leave the room, not even giving my mind to the fact she has called me "Tris".

~8~

I find myself taking a detour from my usual path on my way home. I am standing in the alley – _our alley_ – and staring at the spot where we used to sit so many times, hugging and kissing and sometimes just talking. I feel nothing.

I expect to feel emptiness, to feel lonely. Maybe to feel anger. But I just stand there and I feel nothing.

I've asked myself many times what could make him leave Abnegation, and every time I reached the same answer: he didn't fit here, just like I don't fit here.

 _But you do, according to your aptitude test_ , that familiar, annoying voice of my subconscious tells me.

What should I do? I don't want to imagine life outside Abnegation, apart from my family, but I can't believe being Abnegation is what I want for myself. Erudite is out the question. I am my father's daughter, and I can't live among those people.

My mind skips unwillingly to the Dauntless kids, jumping from the moving train every morning, looking like they have no worries in the world. Do I want to be a part of them? The answer is yes. But Then I think about the beautiful lifestyle of my faction – we give and we help others and we ask nothing in return. It's beautiful, it's something important and I do agree with the idea, even if not with the implementation of it.

What should I do?

~8~

"The ceremony is on the 19th floor," father tells us, smiling.

I nod. He doesn't know I've been here before.

I still don't know what I'm going to choose. I'm afraid I will faint between the sea of gray clothes while we climb the stairs. In my desperation I cling on to Caleb's hand, squeezing it tight. I know I'm hurting him, but he says nothing, his grip as strong as mine.

He had told me last night that sometimes we need to think about ourselves. My brother said it, the boy who had never put himself first, always found people to help. Always the perfect Abnegation.

I'm still trying to understand what the meaning behind his words is. Does he know I'm considering transferring to a different faction? Is he telling me he agrees?

We reach the ceremony hall too fast. My father kisses my head, then Caleb's, and backs away. "See you soon," he says, smiling. Mom hugs us both and then looks us in the eyes. She's smiling too, but there's something behind her smile. She only wishes us good luck.

Caleb and I join the other sixteen-year-olds, standing exactly where Tobias has stood two years ago today. The five metal bowls are standing in their line, filled with the factions' symbols: earth, water, glass, stones and coals.

Marcus Eaton, Tobias' father, walks inside when everyone takes their seats and raises his hands. This action reminds me of the time Johanna Reyes did the same thing to make the crowd go quiet.

He starts talking, giving a speech about how it's time for us to choose and how each faction is important for the city. His words are an echo of Johanna's, saying the same things with different phrases. I think maybe that's what the person standing there says every year, repeating it again and again over the years.

The first name to be called belongs to a girl from Amity, who looks scared as she makes a cut in her hand but secure as she joins her faction and goes to stand alone behind Amity's seats.

I don't understand what Marcus calls. I don't know how I'm supposed to hear my name and walk towards the bowls. Then I remember I'll be called right after Caleb and decide to just wait for him to leave my hand.

I look at the crowd of Abnegation members and search for my parents with my eyes. I find them smiling among the others, watching the dependents that choose their factions. I can't leave them. I can't.

"James Tucker."

Tucker, a boy from Dauntless, stumbles over his feet as he makes his way out of the line. He steadies himself and blushes. Taking the knife from Marcus, he cuts himself and after a moment of hesitation lets his blood fall over the glass of Candor.

A low murmur rises from the rows of Dauntless as James Tucker makes his way to stand behind the proud, smiling Candors.

He is the first to switch a clan this year.

One by one the kids I know from the classes we've been sharing for ten years step forward to choose their faction, and I stand there and freak out. I can't choose yet. I don't know what to choose.

And then, "Caleb Prior."

My brother squeezes my hand once more and steps forward. I see his hand shaking as he takes the knife. He's going to choose Abnegation, I have no doubt. It's the place where he belongs.

It takes me a few seconds to accept what I see. He joins Erudite. He's leaving Abnegation, leaving the family. My brother, my ever so giving brother, prefers Erudite over Abnegation.

He has taken every option I had to choose. I can't leave my parents as well. I can't do this to them. Not when I hear my father's shocked cry, when I see his face.

Marcus needs to ask for the crowd to be quiet again. I hear him calling my name and I feel myself walking, but my mind is not there.

I look from the gray stones to the lit coals and bite my inner cheek. What do I want? Where do I belong?

I can't leave my parents too. I reach my hand and take the knife from Marcus, my eyes meeting his. Their color is dark blue. His eyes are Tobias'.

I cut myself, barely noticing the pain. I thrust my arm forward; my blood falls on the carpet between the bowls of Abnegation and Dauntless. And then I move it and let it fall on the coals of Dauntless.

~8~

I stand between the other Dauntless initiates as we wait for the ceremony to end. I process nothing of what's happening. I don't look in my parents' direction, not in my brother's. I stand, shorter than everyone around me, and stare in the nape of a tall guy who is a Dauntless-born.

When the ceremony ends, Dauntless leaves first. I look at my parents for the last time and divert my gaze when I see my father's accusing look. He looks broken.

We run. There's no reason for the running, but we run. I feel the adrenaline spreading in my veins as I run. Laughter and shouts surround me, people jumping on people while running, people smacking others playfully on the back of their heads.

"What's going on?" The question comes from a boy who transferred from Erudite.

I shake my head but keep running. My confusion disappears. All my feelings do. There is only the burning in my lungs and the ache in my muscles and the wind in my hair. We round the corner of the street and I hear a familiar sound – the train. We need to jump.

The boy from Erudite asks if we should jump on it and I reply a breathless "yes".

The initiates who weren't born in Dauntless are the last ones to jump. I jog along the train and throw myself into a car. I am not strong enough to pull myself inside with my arms and I cling to the handle, flailing my legs as I try to climb in until a Candor girl reaches her hand and helps me.

I look at her. She is tall and her skin is brown and her hair black and short. "Thank you," I say.

She smiles. "My name is Christina."

She offers me her hand and I shake it hesitantly. I've never done that before. "Beatrice," I say. I look around. "We should probably sit down. The train is gaining speed. We will fall if we keep standing."

I sit and lean my head against the car wall. Now that I sit doing nothing I finally have the time to wonder what I have gotten myself into. I have no idea what the Dauntless initiation process is like. I don't even know where their headquarters is.

I change a few more words with Christina and then lay my head over my arms and close my eyes. I hope I have chosen correctly.

~8~

A boy shouts, "They're jumping off!" and I open my eyes.

The train has slowed down but still is fast and the wind is strong. We're passing a rooftop on which the Dauntless jump, and when I look down I see it is seven-stories high.

I stand and offer Christina my hand. It isn't even shaking.

Someone starts arguing with someone else about the jump, but I only fix my eyes on the roof, waiting for the right time to jump. Christina grabs my hand and says, "I can't do this alone."

I nod and then it's time to jump. We take a few steps of leverage and do it.

For a moment that seems like forever there is nothing beneath my legs and the ground is far down, and then we land on the roof. My heart struggles to slow down and Christina lets go of my hand. We lay there for a few moments on our stomachs, can't believe that we did that, and then we look at each other and we both laugh.

We get up and join the rest of the initiates.

A Dauntless man older than any other member of this faction I've seen before shouts from the ledge. "Initiates! Gather around me and listen. My name is Max and I am one of this faction's leaders." He has creases on his skin which is dark brown, and his hair is almost gray. His hands are crossed above his chest and his legs are slightly parted, standing on the edge of the roof like it isn't a place you can fall from and die.

"Welcome to Dauntless! Some of you were born here, some of you weren't. That doesn't matter and no one cares about it. Starting now and until you finish your initiation I don't care who you are and where you’ve come from." He looks us all in the eyes, not skipping anyone. When his eyes find mine I want to look away, but I stare back until he trails off to Christina next to me.

"You initiation starts right now. If you want to even see the Dauntless headquarters, you need to jump off this roof." He gestures with his hand to make his point.

"Jump off the roof?" A transfer from Candor asks, sounding anxious. "But that's a seven-stories building!"

"So?" Max raises his eyebrows at her, unimpressed.

"Will there be something to ease the fall?" another Candor asks, this time a boy.

"I don't know."

I don't really think about what I'm doing as I step closer to the edge and look down. I can't see the bottom.

"I bet the Stiff won't jump!" a boy calls. He's wearing black and has a tattoo on his hand so I assume he is a Dauntless-born.

My cheeks heat up with anger. I bring my hand to loosen the neck of my Abnegation robe, but end up taking it off. My arm are exposed, something that I never show anyone. I throw the robe at the boy, my eyes flaming, and then take a place on the very edge.

The adrenaline returns, my ears are full with the sound of my heartbeats. I look at Max, who's standing only a few feet away from me. His face is curios, challenging me.

I take a deep breath –

-and jump.

I don't scream while I fall, I don't close my eyes. My hands are in fists in the sides of my body and I accept the fact that either there's something to save me or there isn't, but there surely isn't a way back.

And I'd rather die than being a factionless. I've seen those people too many times to even consider becoming one of them.

And then I hit something. It isn't soft but isn't the ground either. It's a net, I figure. A net stopping the jumpers from falling to their deaths. I struggle as I try to stand up and get to a solid ground again. Someone reaches their hand for me and I take it gratefully.

All I can see when I finally stand up is that we're on a platform ten meters above the ground and a cavern surrounds us. I look at the one who helped me and my heart stops beating for a moment.

His eyes are a too familiar shade of dark blue.

Tobias.


	3. MY NAME IS TRIS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tris meets Tobias again for the first time just to find out he is not the guy she used to know.

When our eyes are locked it seems like time stands still, as cheesy as it sounds. There's nothing else in this moment, only the two of us facing each other without a word, sounds around us becoming distant and irrelevant. Nothing is moving, no one is breathing.

And then it's over.

"What is your name?" Tobias asks me.

I can't answer, can't accept the fact Tobias – _Tobias_ – is asking me what my name is.

He smiles, his face suddenly cold, not showing that he has ever known me. "Take your time," he says. "You only get to choose once."

And then I understand. We're new people. We are not the young, rebellious teenagers we were back in Abnegation. He isn't the guy I remember, probably left his old self behind at the same time he had left his faction, and he is offering me the chance to do the same – to leave Beatrice Prior, the little selfless girl from Abnegation and become someone else.

But who am I, if not Beatrice?

The memory of my aptitude test flashes in my mind. In my ears I hear Tori's strong and confident voice saying my name. I want to be like her: I want to be kind and thoughtful and overcome my fears.

I want to be Tris.

"Tris," I say.

Tobias nods, calling out loud "the first jumper is Tris!"

Applauses rise from all around me, coming from people I can't even see – my new faction.

"Welcome to Dauntless, Tris. My name is Four."

I have no time to ask him about that name because just then I hear the voice of a girl as the air leaves her lungs because she hits the net. When I turn back to the net I see Christina struggling to get out of it. She curses loudly as she takes Tobias' – Four's – hands and climbs out of it.

"You jumped!" I say.

She grins at me. "A Stiff can jump and I can't? I don't think so." I don't know why, but when she says the word "stiff" I don't feel like it's a bad thing. She turns to look at Tobias, a smile takes its place on her face as she looks him over. "Dude, you're hot."

His face stays stern and if looks could kill Christina would be dead by now. But she isn't, and finally he nods. "What's your name, Candor?"

"Christina."

"Well, _Christina_ , I'd suggest you don't try flirting with your new instructors."

I need to fist my hands to prevent them from shaking at the frozen tone of his voice. This person is definitely not the one I know, the one who stole forbidden kisses from his secret girlfriend and felt unsecure the first time – the _only time_ – they made love. I'm not sure I want to know this person – Four.

The next initiate to jump is the Dauntless boy who challenged me to jump, the one with the snake tattoo. His eyes are closed when he hits the net, his face pale and his hands are holding tightly the hems of his shirt.

Four smiles at him and offers him his hand, but someone else pushes his hand aside and helps his instead. His hair is the same color of brown as the initiates and his skin is just as tanned. He smiles, hugging the initiate for a moment then takes a step backwards. "I can't believe you let two girls jump before you! And one of them is a Stiff!"

"Shut up, Zeke." He scratches his nape with embarrassment but his mouth is stretched in a smile.

"Welcome back, Uriah," Four says.

As I watch the initiates hitting the net one by one and climbing out of it I count them in my mind, separating them according to their original factions. There are eleven initiates who were born Dauntless and nine transfers. Five of us are Candor-born, three from Erudite. I am the only one from Abnegation, and there are no initiates from Amity. I remember seeing one on the train – a boy with a brown sweater. He didn't make it, apparently. I hope for him he's dead, because I find it better than being factionless.

When we're all there, a woman joins Four and looks us over. "My name is Lauren," she says. "I'll be training the Dauntless-born initiates while Four will take care of the transfers. Now, those who need to come with me, follow me."

Four isn’t saying anything until the last initiate disappears from our eyes. "Lauren said it but in case you didn't listen – my name is Four and I'll be in charge of your trainings. The entire initiation process will be explained to you tomorrow. Today I'm gonna show you around the place. I suggest you listen because I will not say anything twice." His eyes scan our small group. I know it isn't my imagination when his gaze lingers on me a little longer than the others, but I refuse meeting his eyes and soon he leads us out the cavern.

I don't want to be close to him, but Christina ruins my plan of staying in the back when she grabs my hand and pulls me forward so we're right behind him. She had probably saved my life doing that.

The path we climb is narrow and full of stones and without a realm, lighted by weird blue lights every once in a while. Glancing around, I see there are tens more paths like this one, each leading to different places.

Someone pushes me and I let out a scream as I fall over the edge. For a second all I can think about is my father's face when I last looked at him and how much I want to tell him I'm sorry.

And then a strong and coarse hand grabs my wrist and stops my fall, the warm fingers the only thing that's keeping me in the air. I look up to see Four on his knees, his right hand holding mine as his left is locked on the ground, steadies him. His face are a mixture of focus and effort and for a couple of seconds, as he pulls me up to the path again, I can also find something that almost looks like fear in his eyes.

When my legs find solid ground and I regain my breath this look disappears and he turns around, furious, his eyes fixed on one of the initiates. "What's your name?"

The initiate he is talking to has a shiny dark hair and wide green eyes. He is tall, but Four is taller. "Peter Hayes," he says.

I remember him. He is the guy from Erudite who called me "Stiff" when I entered my aptitude test.

"Do something like that again, Peter, and I will make sure your life here are a living hell, you understand?" When Peter nods without a word he calls louder, "We are not killing people for fun! We are not killing _anyone_ unless it is necessary to protect the city, and this isn't your business until you're true members of this faction."

No one says a word as he turns around and continues his way up the path.

I hug my left wrist with my right hand. It hurts from the force Four has used to catch me and keep me in the air and my shoulder feels as if it was moved out of its place, but I can barely notice the pain. I can still feel his hand on mine, steady and secure as it was two years ago, familiar in its warmth but strange in its roughness. This isn't the hand of the nice, gentle boy who used to offer food for factionless people on his way home, who – I shiver a little when I think about it – lifted my shirt and traced small patterns on my stomach, on my hips.

This hand only confirms for me that this person isn't Tobias Eaton.

In the end of the path are two large metal doors. Four stands in front of them, turning to look at us. "Behind these doors is The Pit. This is the central place in the Dauntless headquarters. In this time of the day there are many people there and everyone is always curious about the new initiates, so there will be some glares.

"Remember you're Dauntless now – the clothes you wear will make it clear which faction you've come from but these aren't your factions anymore. Remember you're Daunless, and act like it."

"Why is it called The Pit?" Christina asks from my side.

Four says, "you'll see in a moment," and then he turns around and pushes the doors open, the muscles on his exposed arms showing the force he's putting into it.

A sudden wave of jealousy washes over me as I think about how two years ago I was the only one who got to see his bare arms. I can feel my face turn one shade pinker when the memory of the last time I saw them floats up behind my eyes. My body seems to remember the feeling of his hands trailing my shoulders, my arms, my stomach. I can feel the heat of his chest as it presses against me, the burn of his hands on my breasts as his mouth kisses my neck.

Christina's fist brings me back to reality when it hits me lightly on my arm. "You're not in Abnegation anymore. It doesn't matter what clothes you wear."

I nod. She thinks I'm blushing because of what he said and I have no intention to correct her.

Four leads us into The Pit and I look around. More people than I can count walk around between different shops. I see more than ten shops selling clothing items, a tattoos studio and a piercings shop. The same blue balls light the entire place, and when I look higher I see more paths climbing high. In the walls of the headquarters are "holes" in different sizes. In some of the lower ones I can see food, clothes, sheets and woods. These are storage rooms. The ceiling of The Pit is made of glass, a narrow path leading from down here to the room above the glass.

In the middle of the place there is a hole in the ground, surrounded by low and thin realm, and that's where Four leads us. He lets us a moment to take in what we see and then gestures the hole behind him.

I stand close enough to the realm to look down and understand why it is called The Pit. I can't see the bottom, but I can hear the low murmur of a river.

"This is the _real_ pit. It is immensely high and if you fall of the edge you will definitely die. I'm showing it to you and telling you this so you remember there is a very thin line between braveness and stupidity. Don't try to impress anyone with jumping into the pit, because there won't be a net to catch you before you break every bone in your body.

"Be careful around here. People have died and people _will_ die. Don't forget it, and don't be these people."

There is a silence then when we all take a moment to burn his words in our brains.

"It's dinner time, so I'm going to show you the way to the dining room and I suggest you remember it."

He leads us to a door in the far end of the place that opens up to a small lighted room. In the other side of the room is a white doorpost and behind the opened door I can see hundreds of people sitting around round tables and eating while chatting happily and laughing loosely, some of them shouting and some smacking others' napes. They all wear black.

Everyone raises their eyes to watch us as we follow Four to take trays and plates. Two guys stand up and applaud. Someone else joins in and soon the entire crowd cheers us and shouts as they all welcome us to the faction.

We take food and turn to find a place to sit. I follow Christina and notice too late that the place next to her that's free is also next to Four. I clench my teeth as I put down the tray and sit between them.

"Why do they call you 'Four'?" Cristina asks as she put a piece of meat in her mouth.

I do my best not to look interested in his answer as I poke my fork in the flat meat on my plate.

"I guess the first thing I should teach you is to keep your thoughts to yourself. You're not in Candor anymore."

She mutters, "you can be nicer," before looking at me and asking, "Tris, _what_ are you doing?"

I look her in the eyes. "What is this?"

"You mean the hamburger?"

"Is that what it's called?"

She burst out in laughter. "You're not serious, right? Wait, you've never eaten a hamburger before?" she adds when I don't laugh.

"Stiffs eat plain food," Four informs her. "Here, put some ketchup on it." He passes me a bottle with red "sauce" in it.

Our fingers touch as I take the bottle from him and I feel goose bumps cover my arm. I look up, just for a second, and divert my eyes away from him almost immediately. I fight the desire to either jump on him and kiss him hard or punch him in the face and scream.

"Why's that?" Christina asks, not aware of the intense moment.

The need to answer disappears as someone puts their tray next to Four and sits down. The guy has dark, long hair and too many piercings in his face. His dark eyes scan us and his wicked smile makes me shudder. I wish he gets up and leaves right now.

"So these are the new transfer-initiates?"

"Yeah." Four isn't looking at him and I can't miss the fact he doesn't seem to like the guy's presence.

He takes a large piece of his hamburger and puts it in his mouth. "Max wants to see you, he told me to try and find you."

Four shifts uncomfortably. I wonder if the movement is so obvious to me because I already know it or because it's really that obvious. No one else seems to notice, so I guess the first option is the right one.

I don't like it. I don't want to know him better than anyone. I want to forget we've ever known each other.

"You can tell him I'm not interested in whatever job he has to offer me. I'm fine being in the control room."

"So it's another job offer?"

Four nods.

"And you're not interested? Again?"

He nods again.

"Whatever you say." I think he tries to act cool, but something in him seems to be relieved. Almost as if he was afraid of Four taking a different job.

"Who _is_ that?" Christina asks after he leaves.

"His name is Eric. He is one of the leaders of this faction."

Christina states something about having such a young leader and Four answers something about it, but all I can think about is that if this person is a leader then maybe I have made the wrong choice. Eric doesn't seem to be the guy I'd want to see as a role model, to follow his orders.

He looks like the guy I'd want to see dead.

~8~

Six double deck beds are lined against two opposite walls of the room. On each one there is pillow, a sheet and a blanket and next to each bed are two large drawers.

"This is your bedroom," Four says. "Every morning at 8 o'clock you will be in the training room I've shown you earlier today. You will train until noon and have an hour break before you go back there. After 6 in the evening you'll be allowed to do whatever you want to do.

Whatever I want to do. The thought scares me. I was never allowed to do what I wanted to do. That was part of the reason why the relationship with Tobias was so amazing to me – because it was something I _wanted_ to do.

"Any questions?"

"Boys and girls are going to sleep in the same room?" a tall girl from Candor asks.

"You have a problem with that?" He raises his eyebrows at her.

She shakes her head.

"Good. Bathroom's behind that door-" he gestures, "-and you can find new clothes in one of the shops in The Pit." He explains us how we're supposed to pay for things and then he leaves the room, calling above his shoulder, "Stiff!" I look at him as he motions his head toward the door and says, "follow me."

I catch Christina's eyes, finding her face curious, before following him outside. The door closes behind us but he leads me farther away from the room and the other initiates.

We are in a small niche in an abandoned hallway when he is finally satisfied with the place and the privacy.

I say nothing the entire time. I have always imagined what I would do if I saw him again. Thousands different scenarios played in my mind through the years: sometimes I screamed and shouted and punched his chest, other times I cried and demanded an explanation. Sometimes I forgave him as soon as I saw him and kissed him until my mouth went numb.

But now when I am here with him I have no idea what to say.

He touches my hair, caressing my cheek, moving his thumb over my lips. I don't realize my eyes are closed until he whispers, "Beatrice," and I open them and stare in his own. His whisper is full of longing and desire like it has never been before and I raise my hand to his hip as he leans forward and touch my lips with his, bringing up the deep feeling of _need_ to every single nerve in my body, to each one of my veins.

And I kiss him back. I open my mouth for him and hold tight onto his shirt while he lays his hands on my neck and the back of my head to keep me attached to him and I let my tongue find his and for a few long minutes I forget everything and I just _kiss_ him.

My body is hot and I can hear myself moaning as he sucks on my tongue, as he bites my lower lip.

"I've missed you so much."

And these words are enough to bring me back to my senses. I take my hands of him and step away as much as the small space allows me to.

When I look in his eyes they're a mix of lust and sadness and the same need I feel myself, but I depress it and shake my head.

"You left."

He nods. "I did."

"You didn't say anything before the ceremony." I don't know what I'm trying to achieve by stating the fact like this.

"No, I didn't."

His empty voice annoys me. "I cried myself to sleep every night for _months_!" He doesn't know what to say and I can see it on his face. "I can't do this," I say as I start walking away, back to the bedroom.

"Beatrice!" He grabs my wrist.

I shake my hand. "My name is 'Tris' now, _Four_ ," I say coldly and then I leave.

"I love you!" he calls from behind me.

I don't even look at when I reply. "So you used to say."

I've imagined this moment a thousand times, but I've never imagined the pain that comes along the way. I wipe my tears firmly and keep walking.

~8~

"What did he want?" Christina asks the moment I walk back into the room. Even though she was the one asking, everyone's eyes are on me as well.

I blush as I try to come up with an appropriate excuse. "He… uh… wanted to warn me," I finally blurt out.

"About what?" She looks suspicious.

"He thinks I don't belong here because I'm from Abnegation."

"That's not okay. He shouldn't depress you like that." Now she sounds angry.

"Leave it," I say and look around. All the bottom beds are taken, so I take an upper one. A boy named Al is on the bottom of it and Christina has the bed next to me.

When I climb into the bed and cover my body with the blanket I finally begin to feel exhaustion taking control over me. I close my eyes and listen to Christina. She lies down with her head on my side and chats about her family and her hobbies. I hum every once in a while and sometimes I throw something about myself, when it feels right.

I fall asleep soon and my dreams are about moving trains and blood on black coals, and dark blue eyes that beg for my forgiveness.

~8~

The huge training room is quiet while we're waiting for Four. One side of the room has boxing bags, the other has a line of targets and a pile of weapons in front of them. I sit next to Christina. She looks tired and yawns every few minutes, but when Four finally walks in she's wide awake.

Eric walks in right behind him and my heart sinks to my stomach. I can't get rid of the bad feeling rising inside me whenever I see him.

"If anyone here is still sleeping, wake yourself right now." He gestures in Eric's direction. "For those of you who don't know it yet, this is Eric and he is one of the five leaders of this faction. He will be here to watch your training and estimate your skills in the first stage if the initiation."

Eric steps forward and takes the lead. "Listen carefully 'cause I'm about to explain to you how your initiation is going to go.

"There are twenty initiates at the moment – nine of you and eleven Dauntless-born who practice with Lauren. In the end of this initiation there will be only ten new members in this faction."

No one says anything as his words sink in and he continues, that wicked smile wide on his face as his fingers play with the piercing on his eyebrow. "There are three stages to this initiation: the first is a physical training – you will learn to use weapons and to fight. The first stage will take three weeks during which you will be ranked according to the skills you show. In the end of it the four initiates with the lowest ranking will be dropped from the faction. It is possible that all four initiates will be from this group, it is possible they will be from the other group. It doesn't matter where you were born, only where you are ranked."

"What will happen to those who fail?" The question comes from a small Erudite girl with dark hair and soft features.

"You will join the factionless. Do whatever you want there, it's not my business."

"What are the rankings for?" This time it's the Candor girl asking, Molly.

"In the end of the initiation, the higher you're ranked the better job you can choose. The one ranked first chooses first, the last chooses last.

"Back to the initiation: in the second stage you and the other group will be combined. It will be am emotional stage and that's all I can tell you. You will know more if and when you get there.

"The third stage will be mostly mental, and a combination of the first two stages. It will have the highest weight on your ranking. In the end of it we will choose the best ten among you and they will join us. The others will leave."

I realize his smile is mocking us as he observes our reactions. I understand perfectly: even if I go through the entire initiation, I might not have a place in here.

Instead of feeling intimidated I feel stronger. I will prove everyone I belong with Dauntless.

"Good luck."

Four starts talking again. "Today you will learn to use these guns over there. Everyone get up and grab one."

I walk toward the "shelves" of weapons and grab one. It isn't as heavy as it looks like. While we all take a weapon and go back to stand in front of Four, Eric walks to stand in the side. His eyes scan everything, probably checking every one of us.

Four instructs us to put the strap holding the weapon on our necks and under one arm. He grabs a gun himself.

"This-" he raises the weapon in the air, "-is a short M16 and the most common weapon in Dauntless. You're going to learn how to use it and when to use it.

"There are three stances you can use while shooting this: standing, crouching and lying on the ground. Each stance is good in different occasions, and that's the first thing I will teach you." He sounds so sure in his words, so confident in his actions. I only feel scared as I hold the black weapon.

"The more places you touch the ground, the steadier you are. Therefore, the optimal way to shoot is lying on the ground. This is good, however, only when you have enough time to lie down before your enemy gets you, so you can do it only when you are far from your target.

"In order to switch to lying stance as fast as you can, you crouch-" he demonstrates, crouches down. I notice he keeps his weapon aimed to a place where no one stands. "-bring your hand between your knees-" he puts his left hand on the ground, "-and send your legs back." He makes a small jump to send his legs to the ground.

"Make sure your legs are spread in 90 degrees and flat against the ground. The stronger leg should be parallel with the shooting hand. If you use your right hand to pull the trigger, your left leg should be in 90 degrees with it.

"You touch the weapon in five places: first, you hold the handle with five fingers; second, your cheek presses against the butt; third, the cartridge touches your forearm; fourth, the weapon's butt is against the part between your shoulder and your collarbone; fifth, you use the weaker hand to steady the weapon by holding it where I am.

"In order to get up you put your hand on the ground again and jump so you crouch again. Don't use your knees to do that, and keep the weapon straight all the time. Once you're crouching you rise up as fast as you can." He demonstrates this as well, his knees are of the ground in one swift movement and he rises up.

He shows us more things before we start practice: he shows us how to look through the small hole he calls "sights" and how to load the weapon, how to switch it from safe mode to shooting mode and he tells us to "never switch to automatic weapon! This is something you will never need to use!"

He shows us the other two stances, demonstrating how to stand or in what angle our feet should be. There is a lot to remember.

Finally we start practicing.

He gives every one of us small earplugs. "These will block most of the noise, but you will still be able to hear. If your earplug falls, you stop shooting and scream 'stop'! Hearing the noise without plugs can turn you deaf! Listen to me, and listen carefully: once someone's calls 'stop', you stop shooting, lock your weapon, and wait for me to tell you that you can fire again."

Each one of us stands in front of a target and we wait for his order.

"Remember, your weapon is sixty degrees into the air when you load it. When I give the order you shoot until you run out of bullets, then you take a new cartridge." His voice is muffled by the plugs in my ears but I can still hear him. "Ready? Fire!"

I try to mimic his actions from before, to look through the sight and find the middle of the target. I feel afraid to pull the trigger. There is silence when everyone waits for someone else to shoot first.

When the first bullet is being fired I jump with shock. The sound is so strong, like an explosion. But it makes everyone else lose their fear and soon we're all shooting. The first time I shoot I am not ready for the force pushing me back and I stumble a few steps back. I'm not the only one. When I look to the sides I see no one succeeds to hit the target.

"Stay steady! Don't breathe as you pull the trigger! Stop!"

We all turn to look at him. He takes a place in front of a target and stand like he had shown us earlier. "Steady body, slow breathes. When you're on target you stop breathing. You need to aim a little beneath the real spot you're trying to hit."

He aims his weapon, closing one eye, and pulls the trigger. The bullet hits the middle of the target.

~8~

We all manage to hit the target by the end of the morning session, but no one hits it close to the middle.

At lunch I sit with Christina and Al, and a boy from Erudite joins us. He introduces himself as Will and Christina smacks him. "We already know you! Well, I do. We studied math together. Al too." She turns to look at me. "No offence, but I have no idea whether we had classes together. I can never tell the difference between Abnegation kids."

"It's okay," I say.

I am too aware of Four's presence in the room, of his eyes on me from across the room, but I refuse to look in his direction.

My ears are still ringing from the shooting and my hands hurt from the effort. I'm afraid to think of what's to come next today.

"Tris, are you listening?" Christina nudges me.

"What?"

She shakes her head dramatically. "Al and I were thinking to get a tattoo this evening. And we need some new clothes. Do you want to join? Your Abnegation clothes catch too much attention here."

I smile, happy to find a distraction. "Yeah, sure. Why not?"

~8~

After lunch we learn to shoot a handgun, which is a lot easier than the M16 but still hard. Aiming the weapon at the target is a lot harder because there isn't a sight, but the push back is smaller.

Four walks between us, fixing our stances and checking our progress. He stops next to me and the next thing I know is his hand is on my stomach. "Find your center, stop breathing. Breathing makes you move. Steady yourself. Hold the gun tight with both arms. Keep both eyes open."

I can barely register what he's saying as the touch of his hand sends me waves of heat.

When he walks back I take a deep breath and keep the air inside. I focus my eyes on the target and shoot. The bullet hits the outer circle.

"Great. Now work on aiming better."

I take the gun down and turn to look at him, but he's already talking to Will.

~8~

I take a shower when we finish training for the day. Christina suggests holding up a towel for me when she sees me moving uncomfortably, and I thank her with a small smile and a blush on my cheeks.

We go together to eat dinner. While we're sitting in the Dauntless cafeteria I remember the private quiet meals with my parents and brother in Abnegation. A sudden wave of trembling takes over me as I imagine my parents alone around the dinner table.

I fight away the tears. I shouldn't be thinking about them.

But I can't stop. They're my parents.

We finish eating and I remain silent. It's only when we're on our way to the tattoos studio that I speak again. "I think I'm gonna get a tattoo as well," I say, surprising them.

"Are you sure?"

I nod. "Yeah, I mean… I'm a Dauntless now, right? Besides, I've always wanted a tattoo."

We arrive at the tattoos studio and she starts flipping through the pages with tattoos ideas along with Will and Al.

"Tris!"

I search for the voice and see Tori smiling at me. "Hi," I smile back at her. "You're working here?"

She nods. "You want to get a tattoo?"

"I think, but I don't know what."

"Take your time thinking. Tattoos are permanent."

On the studio's walls are pictures of different things. I see pictures of people, of animals, of different views. One picture shows water that reach all the way to the horizon. I've always imagined a place with so much water you couldn't fit a lake in it, so much water you could sail them forever. I am hypnotized to this picture.

Christina informs me that she has chosen a tattoo and she sits on a stool in front of a man with body full of them before he closes the curtain, but I am still looking at the picture. In the skies above the sea are three black birds.

I reach my hands to touch them. They look free. Sometimes I wish I were a bird. I wish I could spread my wings and fly, leave this city and the people and just fly until I can't do it anymore.

I think about my family. Are they missing me as much as I miss them?

I look at Tori. "I want birds," I say. "Do you have pictures of birds I could choose from?"

She nods and brings me a folder full of birds' pictures. I turn the pages until one bird catches my eye. It is black and looks noble. "What's this bird?" I ask Tori.

She looks over my shoulder and smiles. "A raven. Beautiful, isn't it? The raven symbolizes death in some cultures, but in others people used to worship it."

I touch the picture. "Can you draw three ravens for me? Flying?" I ask her.

"Sure," she says. "Where do you want it?"

I touch my collarbone, above my heart. "Here," I say.

Two hours later, when Christina and I say goodbye to Will and Al and go searching for new clothes, I have a new tattoo: three ravens flying on my collarbone. I think of each one as one of my family members, trying to fly away and leave me behind. Or maybe I imagine how I let them go, how I stop missing them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still looking for a beta - anyone?  
> I'm gonna sleep in the base a lot this week, and also next weekend (Thurseday to Sunday), so I don't know how much writing I will be able to do. Soory in advance if the next chapter will come up only in two weeks.


	4. Breaking Downs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to mu amazing beta, Sarah!

The second day of initiation begins with us hitting boxing bags. Four informs us that the following day we'll be using what we learn today, which sounds to me like we're going to fight each other.

By the time we go to lunch my hands are burning red and my legs feel like someone has hit them repeatedly with a stick, but I don't complain. Last night Peter and his lackeys – Molly and Drew – made fun of me for coming from Abnegation and therefore being weak, and I don't want to prove them right by showing any weakness.

I find that Christina and I, along with Will and Al, have formed a bond in the short time we've been here. I spend every moment with at least one of them and we sit together at meals. Peter, Drew and Molly – all of them from Candor – are inseparable. They're a bunch of cruel teenagers, although Peter is the only one among them who's actually strong. Edward and Myra, a boy and a girl from Erudite, are a couple, and it's pretty much impossible to not see them together.

I see them kissing at lunch, Myra all but sitting in his lap, and avert my eyes. "They should stop kissing in public," I say.

Christina laughs as she shoves chicken in her mouth. "Stop being such a Stiff, Tris. People _can_ kiss each other before they get married. It's actually necessary – imagine getting married and finding out your husband can't kiss. You're screwed for life."

I blush. "I'm not saying they should wait until they're married, just that they shouldn't do it in public." Tobias and I, after all, didn't even touch each other when someone else could see.

Will raises his hand, stopping Christina before she answers. "Are you going to stay on this subject?" he asks with a frown. When she nods he and Al hurry to excuse themselves and leave us alone at the table.

"Look, Tris, you're from Abnegation so you've never had a boyfriend and you don't know the feeling, but I, for example, have had a boyfriend and sometimes I just had to touch him, to kiss him. I couldn't control it."

I don't stop to think before I blurt out, "I _did_ have a boyfriend and I _do_ know the feeling."

It's only when she drops her fork with a shocked look on her face that I understand what I said. "You had a boyfriend?"

"Drop it," I say even though I know there's no way I can get away from her investigation now that I let it slip.

"You had a boyfriend?" she asks again, louder. So loud, in fact, that it makes heads turn in our direction. I notice one particular person – Four, looking at me from his place across the room. I can't decipher what I see on his face – surprise, or amusement, or something else.

"Will you not shout it like that?" I say angrily, but she doesn't seem to be affected by my tone and I sigh. "Yes, I had a boyfriend, okay?"

"No, not okay! You're like changing my entire perception of Abnegation!" She says dramatically, causing me to roll my eyes. "When you say boyfriend, do you mean 'someone-I-used-to-hang-out-with' or 'someone-I-used-to-make-out-with'?"

I glare at her. "Christina, I may come from Abnegation, but I'm not an idiot. I had a boyfriend. You know, one that you kiss and do… other stuff with." I take my tray and put it away, exiting the dining room with Christina right behind me.

"What other stuff?" she asks once we get out of The Pit and walk down the hallway leading to the dorms.

"You know… other stuff." I don't want to bring up the one time we slept together.

"Tris…" she says slowly, as if taking another second to think before she asks, "Are you a virgin?"

I feel my face turning redder. "Yes," I whisper.

"You liar!" she yells. "Sorry," she adds, quieter, when some people in the hallway turn to look at us. "If you're going to lie to a Candor, do it better. I've learned to recognize lies my entire life."

I send her a pleading look. "I don't want to talk about it, Christina."

She shakes her head. "No. You can't just say something like that and then tell me not to ask." I don't answer. "Tris! Come on!"

"I don't want to talk about it!" I say again. My eyes get wet and I curse. I can't cry in the middle of the hallway but I'm close to it. I want to be angry with Tobias. I want to hate him, to forget him, but I can't, and that makes me so annoyed.

She chases me all the way to the bedroom, not stopping her inquisition. I can only be grateful that she keeps her voice quiet now. "Tris, come on, it can't be that bad!"

When we enter the room and I see that we're alone I finally break. Dropping to the floor I let my tears fall and I cry out loud, burying my head in my arms.

"Tris?" Christina asks. Now that I'm crying she's gentle, putting her hand on my shoulder and kneeling next to me. "Tris, what happened to your boyfriend?"

I can't answer. I can't stop crying long enough to speak, my breath quick and uneven and my body shaking.

I cry because I finally started to get over him and suddenly he's here, all around me, dragging me two years back. I cry because even though I can't forgive him, I still love him.

And Christina hugs me. She wraps her arms around me and she sways me a little, whispering quiet words. When I close my eyes I can almost believe that the figure holding me is my mother, telling me everything is okay, calming me down.

"I'm sorry," she says. "I didn't mean to cause this. I'm sorry."

When I finally relax and find it in me to breathe we're late for training. We open the door to the room without a word and I prepare myself for yelling and anger, but Four just tells us to return to the boxing bags. I don't look at him as I walk to mine, but I pass right next to him and I feel his hand wrapping around my wrist for only a moment before he lets go.

~8~

"We were together for a little over a year," I suddenly say, breaking the silence.

I'm sitting with Christina in an empty hallway. I skipped dinner to come here and be alone, and she followed me without a word. When I sat down she took a place next to me and just sat there. Our shoulders touch every once in a while and it makes me feel closer to her.

Somehow during the two days we've known each other I've made a better friend than I ever had in Abnegation.

Christina looks at me when I speak, raising her eyebrows but saying nothing. I thank her for that, for letting me tell her this at my own pace even though I can see the flaming curiosity in her eyes.

"We both didn't like the strictness of the Abnegation rules, didn't feel like we belonged there, and we started hanging out as an act of rebelliousness. We were just hanging out, nothing more." I look at the wall in front of me but all I can see is the first time Tobias and I decided to skip school together. "I was thirteen when we started it," I tell Christina. "We ran into each other in the hallway while I was on my way to class, and when I apologized I saw tears on his face. I don't know what made me go away with him. But I did."

"Is he the same age as we are?"

I shake my head. "He is two years older…" I let my thoughts wander to the moment when he chose Dauntless until Christina's hand on my shoulder brings me back to reality. "I liked him a lot from the start. In the beginning I thought something was wrong with me. I didn't understand why I wanted to be with him all the time, why everything he did made me smile. But one day he kissed me, out of nowhere, and after that, we were together."

"Did anyone know?" she asks gently. Her questions make it easier for me to tell the story, so I don't mind them as much as I thought I would.

"No," I say. "There was no one we could tell. Our parents were not an option, and my brother would just chastise me. Neither one of us really had friends close enough. Deep friendship is something rare in Abnegation.

"So for a long time we went from shy kisses to… more." I feel my face redden when I can't bring myself to say what I want to say.

"Make out sessions?" Christina suggests with a smirk.

I nod. "Yeah, that. I fell in love with him, with the way he made me feel. And he said he loved me. I think he really meant it."

I do believe Tobias meant it every time he had told me he loved me. I could always see it in his eyes when he'd let down all the walls he had built around himself and let me see the real him.

"So what happened?"

"Two days before his Choosing Ceremony we… you know… we did…" But there's no way I can say those words. This part of Abnegation hadn't left me yet.

"You slept with him?" she asks, probably remembering this morning.

I nod. "His father wasn't home until late and he asked me to and I wanted it. I wanted him. I mean… I loved him."

"And then?"

I shake my head as I remember the Choosing Ceremony. I remember squeezing his hand before separating, waiting for him to choose and come back, seeing him leave. I remember how I cried and I realize I'm crying now too.

"He broke up with you?"

I look her in the eyes. "He left Abnegation. He didn't say anything before the ceremony and then he was just… gone."

She hugs me. "I'm so sorry," she says, even though she has nothing to be sorry about. I guess 'I'm sorry' is just the way to say 'I feel sorry _for_ you'. "Where… where did he go?"

"Here," I say. "He chose Dauntless too."

She gasps. "You've met him here? Did he make it through his initiation?"

"Yeah," I answer. "Yes I've met him."

"And?"

"And nothing. I can't forgive him."

"Do you still love him?"

It takes me a long time to finally say "Yes", and when I do I can feel a little pain in my chest. Not physical pain, but the same one I felt when Tobias left, and the one I have cried myself to sleep because of every night since. The one that comes from feeling empty.

~8~

The next day when we enter the training room there is a green board in the middle of it. Four is already there, waiting for us with Eric by his side. "Today you're going to use the skills you gained yesterday by fighting against each other. Your fights during the first stage of initiation will be a major part of your ranking at the end of it.

"There are nine of you, so one will have to sit aside today." His eyes find mine before he turns to the board and uses white chalk to write down our names. Will and Al are to fight first, and as they both step forward I read the rest of the list to find out I'm to sit aside today.

I sigh with relief, but Christina points out that it's not necessarily good for me. I have to agree, knowing that not fighting also means no ranking for now.

Al and Will take their places in front of each other. Al is taller and more muscular but Will is quick, and he uses his speed to avoid Al's punches. For a few minutes they do just that – Al throw his fists in Will's direction and he ducks down or moves aside just in time.

I look at Eric and Four. Four's face is blank, like he doesn't even care about the two teenagers fighting in front of him, but Eric's eyes follow the fight intensely though boredom is written all over him.

"Enough of that!" he finally says. "Stop being a coward and start fighting back!"

I don't think it's fair because Will has a strategy, but I realize he has already gotten what he wanted – Al's breath is quick and heavy, his shoulders moving up and down as he tries to control his breath while Will only smiles.

Al sends his fist again and Will ducks down, but then he makes a mistake and tries to punch Al in the face. Al loses his balance when he tries to hit Will, but his self-preservation reflexes cause him to automatically raise his hand to protect his face, and suddenly he is holding Will's arm in his hand and has control over the fight. It doesn't take him long to get a hold of his other hand as well, and he is too large for Will to manage freeing himself.

"The fights go on until one of the initiates surrenders or cannot fight anymore," Four calls.

Will opens his mouth, probably to say he gives up, but Eric interrupts him. "You don't surrender."

Four glares at him, restraint shown in every part of his body. "The rules dictate that an initiate can admit his defeat once it's clear he cannot win the fight."

Eric shrugs, grinning. "Rules can change. Finish it," he adds, diverting his gaze to Al.

I look away as Al's fist finds Will's jaw. I hear the sound of his body hitting the floor and look at him, seeing him lying and staring at the ceiling.

Al looks at Eric, who nods his approval. His vicious smile makes me sick.

Will looks a little dizzy while Al helps him up and leads him to sit next to the wall. Once again I'm glad I don't need to fight today.

Cristina and Molly take their places facing each other. Molly is taller than Christina, and her arms are muscular. She looks much more intimidating to me, and I bite my lower lip as I watch the two stare at each other.

Two days ago Christina told me she didn't like Molly, and that she told Molly that while they were still in Candor. When I see Molly's hateful eyes, I understand that the feeling is mutual.

"Begin," Four says. His hands are folded over his chest and his dark blue eyes are focused on the two girls. Apparently Eric's new rule made him more serious about the whole thing.

Christina throws the first punch, hitting Molly in the guts, but Molly recovers quickly and hits Christina's jaw hard enough to force her a few steps back. They are even – one of them punches the other, the other immediately returns it.

Unlike the first fight, the two Candor girls fight like they actually want to hurt each other. Their eyes stay locked and every now and then they tease each other with words and insults only they understand.

At some point Al moves to stand next to me. I don't even acknowledge him, which is probably why he chose to stand here.

Molly succeeds in hitting Christina in her left ear, and the slender girl falls to the floor. Her nose is bleeding and her jaw is already red from the first time Molly punched her. When Molly crouches above her, one hand holding both Christina's arms back above her head and the other ready to hit her face, I grab Al's hand.

We look at each other for a moment and I release my grip, clenching my fists.

"You win," Christina says before Molly knocks her out completely. "I give up. You win."

Eric steps forward. "What did you say?" he asks. I hope I imagine the anger in his voice. He crouches next to the girls. "Can you stand?" he asks Christina, but she doesn't answer. "Can you stand?" he screams.

She nods.

"Get up," he tells Molly who's still pinning Christina down. "Follow me."

Four's gaze tells me nothing when I glance at him, but Eric's sudden determined expression scares me more than I'm willing to admit. We all follow him outside the room and down the hallway leading to The Pit. I gasp when I realize we're heading towards the chasm.

Eric stops when he reaches the realm and grabs Christina's arm so strongly his knuckles turn white. She distorts her face in pain but says nothing.

"Did you all hear me when I said you fight until one of you wins?" He doesn't wait for any of us to answer, turning to face the girl he's holding. "You're Christina, right?"

She nods.

"Christina, I don't know what is it you used to do back in _Candor_ –" he spits the word like it is poison "–but here in Dauntless, when a leader tells you to do something, you _do it_. You understand?"

She nods again.

"I asked: **do you understand?!** "

Her lips flutter. "Y-yes."

"So why – and I _desperately_ want to know – why did you try to surrender?" He starts off quietly, but by the end of his question he is screaming. For one moment I think to myself Eric screams way too much, but then I see Christina's scared face.

He tells her that if she can hang off the railing for five minutes, he will forgive her both for her disobedience and her lack of courage. She turns about five shades paler before she grabs the metal in her hands.

I can almost feel her terror in my own body as she looks over the banister, into the endless darkness of the chasm. The sound of the river reminds me that if she falls over the edge there will be no net to catch her.

Slowly, never loosening her tight hold on the railing, Christina sends one legs over. When she finds a foothold she takes a few deep breaths, each of her legs on another side of the metal bars, and then brings the other leg over it as well.

"Start."

I can feel a heat at my back. Without even turning my head I know it is Tobias. His hand grasps mine in his, and everyone is so deeply focused on the dark skinned girl struggling in front of our faces that no one pays enough attention to notice.

The touch of his fingers sends waves of heat up my arm. I know I should break the contact with him so I make it clear to him I am serious about not forgiving him, but I cannot deny the fact he helps my anxiety. When I look at the girl who has become my best friend I remember how I used to come to Tobias whenever I was scared. He was my safety-belt, my shelter.

For a minute and a half it seems like she's going to make it. Her arms are steady and her face is serious and focused. But then the first wave hits her back.

She flinches but keeps strong hold at the railing. When the river tries to claim her again she lets out a loud scream. For one terrifying moment her right hand flails in the air before she finds a hold again.

There are two minutes left when she slips. Her head disappears behind the edge of the chasm and I launch forward to try and catch her. Four's hand stops me and I want to slap him, but then I see her fingers are still holding the cold metal, fighting to keep her alive.

I let go of Four's arm and walk over to the railing. Looking down I see her face: crying and twisted in effort. Her arms are shaking, barely holding her weight now.

"There is one minute left, Christina," I tell her. "You can do it."

"Come on Christina! You're almost there!" Will joins me, coming to stand next to me right before Al takes a place with us as well.

When the five minutes are finally over we all reach out our hands for her. Eric starts telling us to let her climb back here on her own, but Four cuts him off. "Let it go, Eric. She did what you asked her to do."

Al has the longest arms and he grabs both Christina's wrists, pulling her up. As soon as she's close enough for Will and I to help we do it. Together we pull our exhausted friend back to solid ground and she drops on her knees.

Christina wraps her slender, trembling arms around me and cries into my shoulder. I hold her, swaying her a little bit and whispering quiet, relaxing words into her ear, just like she did for me yesterday.

I look at Four. He sends a furious glare at Eric, but says nothing as he turns around and leaves The Pit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leavea comment to let me know what you think!


	5. Fights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Again, I'd like to thank Sarah, my super-awesome beta!

_In my dream I see my mother smiling at me. She looks much younger than she really is – around her twenties, I assume. Her eyes are warm with affection and her hand is reaching for me._

_I've been missing her so much since I left and my eyes fill with tears as I reach my arm forward. I want to touch her, to hug her again._

_But when I finally reach her she disappears and my dad is there instead. He spreads his arms, as if telling me to wrap mine around him. He doesn't seem to be angry with me for leaving Abnegation._

_The moment the thought crosses my mind his figure disappears just like mother's did and I stumble forward._

_A strong hand grabs me and steadies me. I turn around to see Tobias, his face is gentle and kind and his eyes are piercing mine. He lets go of my hand and he isn't spreading his arms for me, but something in his stance tells me he invites me to hug him; maybe the way he slightly leans towards me or the barely noticeable smile showing in the corners of his mouth._

_I reach my hand forward but stop midway to him. "You will disappear as well," I whisper._

_He shakes his head. "Never again."_

_So I take a step forward and wrap my arms tightly around him. I inhale his familiar scent and let myself get lost between his long, muscular arms._

~8~

"Come on, Stiff! That's pathetic!"

When I look up from the ground, all I see is black. It stays like that for a few moments and then I see the ceiling of the training room. I clench my teeth while I get up and try to find balance. Every single part of my body hurts from being hit over the last week. When I take my place besides Christina, I'm not angry about being called "Stiff" again. Surprisingly, the only thing my brain seems to be able to process is how accurate the word is in my current situation.

In the end of the day Eric leaves and Four stays behind. "Tomorrow will be the last day of the first stage. I'm going to write your rankings on the board. Tomorrow will be your last chance to change it, so sleep well and be ready. Some of you will be gone after dinner tomorrow."

I hope I only imagine his eyes lingering on me, but I know better. I have won only two fights so far – once against Al, who wasn't even trying, and one against Myra, who was the only one weaker than me.

He turns around and uses his chalk to write on the green board.

_1\. Edward_

I'm not surprised. Will tells us Edward has been taking lessons ever since he was ten years old, and we've never seen him lose a fight.

_2\. Peter_

I hate Peter, but I can't say he didn't win this spot. He is strong, scary and powerful.

_3\. Molly_

_4\. Christina_

_5\. Will_

_6\. Drew_

_7\. Tris_

_8\. Al_

_9\. Myra_

Christina squeezes my hand, trying to comfort me. Unless two of the Dauntless-born initiates are worse than me, I'll be leaving tomorrow.

I remember the factionless people I used to see on my way home from school every day. I can't allow myself to become like them – I can't stink of trash cans and count on the good hearts of Abnegation people in order to get food and clothes. I can't live in the streets without a home, without a family.

I have to become Dauntless.

I have to.

~8~

I step out of the shower and sit on my bed. My hair is still damp and I like the refreshing feeling of it after the long day. I try not to think about the ranking, not to see this evening as my last one in Dauntless, but the thoughts fill my mind.

What will I do if I become factionless? Will my parents accept me back at home or will they let me live in the streets like the others? Will I become one of those smelly, grumpy, terrifying people, or stay the way I am, only without a faction?

The thought of losing everything and everyone makes me shiver uncontrollably, and that's when Molly decides to interrupt my thinking. "Trying to decide what to do tomorrow when you're no longer an initiate?" she asks.

We're alone in the room and as much as I hate depending on other people, I wish Christina or Will were here. "Shut up, Molly."

She sits next to me on my bed. "I don't think you need to worry. Factionless people are no different from Abnegation in most people's eyes: we hate them both."

I grit my teeth, feeling the anger spreading inside me. "I don't care what you have to say, so shut up."

She shrugs. "You know, on the first day of initiation when you jumped off that roof I thought there might be something special in you, but you proved me wrong. You're just another _Stiff_ who thought she was worth something. But you're not."

I say nothing. I know my face is red and I can feel my eyes fill with tears, but I say nothing because maybe she's right. Maybe I am no better than the others, maybe I don't belong here. Maybe I did make the wrong decision when I chose Dauntless.

"Why did you come here, anyway?" she continues. Either she's too dense to sense my fury, or she doesn't care. "Did your parents abuse you? I remember your brother transferred as well, and everyone in Candor knows Abnegation parents use physical punishments on their children."

I look up and fix my gaze on her. "What did you say?" My voice is quiet, and I think I've never sounded so intimidating. Molly can go on as much as she likes about me, but I won't let her talk about my family like that.

"Yeah, that day before the choosing ceremony there was an article in the newspaper, claiming that Abnegation guy, Martin Eaton or something like that, used to abuse his son and that was why he left the faction. Probably he was a coward who couldn't stand up to his father."

I stand up. My hands are shaking by my sides, my vision is blurry – whether in anger or in craziness, I don't care – and my mouth is a thin line on my face. In a swift movement I take my arm back, my fingers in a fist, and throw a punch to the corner of her mouth.

"Shut up!" I scream. "My parents are amazing people! They are good people, they are kind, and they have never – **never** – laid their hands on my brother and me!"

Tears form in Molly's eyes as she brings he hands up to cover her mouth, and I see some blood behind them. I don't care. "And don't ever talk about Tobias Eaton! He was the bravest person I've ever known! He was ten times braver than anyone in this faction! So shut your dirty mouth and don't ever talk about my family or my boyfriend again!"

"Your boyfri-"

"What's going on?"

We both turn to look at Christina and Will who stand at the door. They look confused; their gazes switch between me and Molly.

"Nothing!" I snap before exiting the room. I need to be alone.

I don't know where my feet are taking me until I'm in front of the training room door. I stare at the dark wood for what seems like forever before I push it open and enter the room. Although no one has told us we cannot use the training room outside of training hours, I feel like I'm trespassing as I make my way towards the boxing bags.

I hit the bag in front of me for such a long time my fingers start bleeding, but I can't make it move. Frustration takes over me and I try harder, kicking the leather and punching it with all I've got, but it doesn't move.

At some point I realize I'm crying, and I don't know if it's because I'm angry, or frustrated, or scared. Maybe it's a combination of all of them.

"Mom," I cry as I throw another punch, the friction between my skin and the bag causing it to feel as if it's burning. "I miss you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"You're doing it wrong."

"What are you doing here?" My voice sounds empty even to my own ears.

I hear footsteps and then Tobias wraps his arms around me from the back. Maybe it's because I'm so tired from being angry, but I don't object. He sways me a little, like a mother trying to calm her crying baby down.

"You can't be factionless," he says. "You can't leave me again, Beatrice."

I stiffen. "I didn't leave you, Four. You left me." I release myself from him and turn to face him.

"You have to stay," he whispers. "I can't lose you again. I **won't** lose you."

For the first time since I've come to the Dauntless compound I see him lets all his walls down. His face looks vulnerable, his eyes bright with tears. "What did you mean when you said I was doing it wrong?"

He looks at the bag behind me. "With your size you must use your elbows and knees. Developing enough strength to beat someone using only punches and kicks will take you months of training." He takes my arm in his and folds it so my elbow is pointed in the direction of the bag. "Reaching your entire arm forward requires more energy than doing it with only half of it, so if you use the same strength while doing it, you'll increase the power." He plays with my arm while speaking, showing me what he means.

I nod and try his advice. When he takes a step back I start fighting against the boxing bag again, this time using my elbows and knees as well. It doesn't take me a long time to move it.

I stop and look at him. "I want to fight Molly tomorrow."

"Why?"

"She said things."

Our eyes stay locked for a long time before he nods and turns to leave the room. "Don't lose, Beatrice."

"My name is Tris," I call after him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it, and feel free to comment! Nothing feels better than reading another comment on your stories!


	6. Fears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has taken me almost a year, but the next chapter is finally here. Trust me when I say that if I ever choose to stop with this, you'll get a message.
> 
> HUGE thank you to Sarah, my beta, for sticking with me even after all this time.
> 
> And thank you to everyone who commented/left a kudos. THANK YOU!

When I face Molly I see red. I can't hear anything above the sounds of my heartbeats, can't see a thing except her figure. I know I have to win against her today. I know I **will** win. I know it like I know my name is Tris.

"Begin!" Four calls, and a second later I stick my elbow in her face.

As she stumbles backwards with her hands covering the place I just hit, I glance at Four. His face is stern and his eyes are following us with deep concentration. I think maybe he wants me to win just as much as I do.

I return my eyes to my opponent. When I look at Molly I imagine she is the punching bag, and Four's instructions echo in my mind. Use your knees and elbows. Attack quickly, don't let her have the upper hand.

But Molly Atwood is not a punching bag, and she fights back. She is tall and muscular, and the few hits she manages between mine are effective. She punches me in the left eye, and for a few short moments I see nothing but black dots. That's enough for Molly to knock me down to the floor.

In a second I know it's over. I have no way to get up when she pins me to the floor like that. The image of me leaving the Dauntless headquarters passes in front of me, and I almost scream with frustration.

And then I see Tobias.

The man standing in the room is not Four, my instructor. This guy is Tobias Eaton, the one who used to hold me and tell me he loved me, who used to tell me quiet jokes and to tickle my hips until I couldn't breathe anymore. And Tobias's eyes are worried and his face is no longer emotionless, and he slightly reaches his hand towards me.

And I hate him. I hate him for making me fall in love with him once and then breaking my heart. I hate him for appearing in my life again and acting as if he did nothing wrong. And I have to prove to him that I can manage on my own now.

So I struggle against Molly's grip harder, flailing my legs uncontrollably until my knee hits her spine and she lets out a sudden cry. I know this is my chance, and with every last drop of energy I have left I turn us around.

I pin her to the floor now. She tries to release herself, but I keep my grip tight and determined. I know it's over. Now that I can actually look at her I see that her nose is broken and her lips are bleeding. I know if I hit her one more time she will lose consciousness.

"The fight is over," a voice calls from behind me. The tone tells me it's Four talking, not Tobias. "Tris wins."

I stay where I am, not letting go. I want to hear Tobias, not Four. As much as I hate him, he is the closest thing I have left for home.

A hand grasps my shoulder, warm and firm. "Let go, Tris. You win." That voice again. The one that keeps remind me he is no longer the guy I love and desire.

"Shut up."

My voice is shaking and I don't realize I am crying until Christina comes near us and asks me quietly if I'm alright. I clench my teeth, angrily and unsuccessfully trying to withhold the salty tears.

"Come on, Tris, get up." Four's hand pulls me away from Molly.

"Shut up!" I repeat, not knowing if the trembling of my arms comes from anger or desperation. When I release myself from his grip, I think for just a moment that all I've been doing since coming here is pulling out of his hands, as if my past has been trying to catch me and I have been running away from it. "I need to go to the infirmary," I say, bringing my hand to my face to cover the hurt eye and the slashed lip.

Four nods. "Christina, can you help –"

"I can get there by myself."

When I head towards the door I pass Molly's body on the floor. Her eyes watch me with hatred and pain and her lip quivers as she mutters, "Stiff."

I ignore her and leave the room, closing the door behind me.

~8~

Our rankings are being revealed after dinner, just like they promised. When the other initiates finish their food and hurry to the training room, I remain alone by the table and stare at my plate. I ate nothing, the meat and mashed potatoes look just like they did when I took them.

I wonder if I should even go and check where I'm ranked, thinking maybe leaving without knowing it would be better. I don't need the Dauntless to tell me how weak I am, how much I don't fit here.

"Sweetheart, Caleb and I are going to give this food to the factionless. Do you want to come along?" My mom asks with a smile. Whenever she talks about those people there is some sadness in her eyes.

I blink my eyes. Suddenly the thought of depending on the Abnegation people's mercies makes me sick.

I stumble over someone's leg on the crowded street and mutter my apologies. When I look up I see a young woman with messy brown hair and dirty clothes. "I'm sorry," I repeat as I hurry to leave the place. Even though I am Abnegation I don't like the company of the factionless.

"You're going to burn a hole in the table if you keep staring at it like that."

I jump in my seat and come back to the reality. Eric is standing in front of me, his hands on his chest and his eyes black and murderous like always.

"Aren't you going to check the scores?" he asks, pointing his head in the general direction of the training room.

"What for?" My voice sounds empty even to my own ears.

He raises his eyebrows. "Don't you want to know who leaves?"

I shrug my shoulders, trying to sound more comfortable than I really am. "I guess I am."

For the first time I see Eric smiling. It's a small curve in his lips and it makes him look more brutal than usual. "You're a lucky girl, Stiff." He winks at me and turns to leave the table. "Maybe I was wrong about you after all," he adds above his shoulder.

I stare after him for good five minutes before disposing of my food and running to the training room. Our rankings are written on the regular green board, and another one has the combined names of us and the Dauntless-born initiates. I stand far from the crowd surrounding the two boards and find my name on the short list. I look with shock mixed with relief at the number "6" written next to my name. It doesn't take me long to understand that I have a chance to stay.

My eyes move slowly to the combined list and my mouth falls open. There are five names written below mine. I am staying.

~8~

Four and Lauren inform us all that those who don't continue with us can stay the night in the headquarters and leave in the morning. Drew, Al and Myra say nothing as we all enter the bedroom. Myra finds her way to Edward's bed and he accepts her with open arms. We all look away, and even the Abnegation side in me doesn't care right now.

Al sleeps under me, and for hours I cannot fall into the blessed world of dreams because the bed is shaking as he cries. I think about trying to cheer him up, to say something nice. I don't.

It isn't long before I wake up after finally falling asleep. Keeping my eyes shut and trying to return to my dream, I hear Myra and Edward whispering things to each other. I can't hear them well, but I guess they say goodbye.

At least they have a chance to say goodbye, I think to myself bitterly and bite my bottom lip. I didn't get one, when Tobias decided to leave. It has never occurred to me before, but maybe it was better that he didn't say goodbye. It would probably make it harder. That way I have only the good times to remember as our last moments together.

The bed creaks and I open my eyes to see Al getting up. His tall figure is higher than me even though I sleep in the top bunk, and I can see the white of his eyes in the dark for only a moment before he walks to the door.

"Where are you going?" Edward's voice comes from the other side of the room.

Al turns around. "I'm thirsty."

"It's okay, you know," he tells him in the quiet of the darkness. "You won't be alone there."

Al's voice is barley a whisper above his shoulder as he closes the door behind him. "No, I guess I won't."

~8~

Like every morning in Dauntless, no one can tell it is time to wake up until Four knocks on our door and yells from behind it: "Morning! Wake up!"

Our group is divided in two groups: those, like Peter and Molly, who yawn and rub their eyes after a good night sleep, and the other, like Edward and Will, who look like they didn't sleep more than one hour tonight. I know I look like the latter.

I jump off my bed and am halfway through the room before Christina asks if anyone knows where Al is.

Turning around, I see his bed empty, the beddings still a mess. "Did he come back after leaving last night?" Edward asks, scratching his head. "I don't remember seeing him, but I also don't know when exactly I fell asleep."

"I don't remember seeing him coming back either," I say.

Myra nods. "He didn't come back," she says quietly. "I was awake all night."

After she speaks, silence falls on the room. We all look at her and Drew and we don't say anything. These two will leave today and will be forced to live with the factionless.

It is really hard not to be accepted to Abnegation if you choose to join the faction. There aren't rules dictating only ten initiates can become true members, and even though I don't know much about the initiation in the other factions, I find it hard to believe that Amity or Candor, or even Erudite, will do something like this.

How many of us would have chosen Dauntless if we knew we might not even stay here?

The silence wears off as we all begin to get dressed again. Christina, quick to finish as always, taps my shoulder and asks quietly if I want her to bring me something from the dining room. We share a silent agreement that none of us want to sit between the Dauntless on this day and see their looks.

I shake my head, thinking I can't put anything in my mouth at the moment.

It takes her mere minutes to come back, but she is not carrying food and her eyes are wide with something I recognize as horror as she runs through the door. "Al jumped off the chasm!" she calls out, breathing heavily.

Everyone in the room stops moving. With one sock still in my hands, I bring myself to ask a shaking "What?"

She grabs my arm in one hand and Will's in her other one and rushes us through the door and towards The Pit, the rest of the initiates right behind us. When we get there, it seems like every person in Dauntless has found his way to the railing around the chasm. A cacophony of words and voices fills my ears, the sounds echoing back to us after hitting the cave walls.

Christina lets go of my arm and runs forward, but I stay right where I am, unable to move forward. "Let me through!" Christina yells as she pushes aside bodies wearing black. She slowly makes her way to the center.

A while later – I'm not sure how long I've been standing and staring – people start moving and create a clean path. Four men walk away from the chasm, carrying a body.

Al's body is soaked with water, not only from the outside. His hair sticks to his face, dripping drops of water on his body and the floor.

Edward's words from last night crush down on me, replaying themselves in my mind again and again. You won't be alone. You won't be alone. You won't be… alone.

The men cover the body with a black fabric and carry it – carry Al – away from The Pit through one of the many doors. Everyone begins to walk away, but our group of initiates stays where we are.

I watch as the men disappear behind the door and as the Dauntless people return to their own businesses, and I do nothing. I probably look like a real fool, standing half dressed in the middle of The Pit, holding a sock in my hand.

~8~

Edward doesn't throw himself off the chasm, but that morning he tells us he is leaving Dauntless. We don't ask and he doesn't say, but everyone knows it's because of Myra. Deep down inside of me, in a place I don't even want to admit exists, I wonder if I would have left my faction for Tobias, had I been old enough when we were still together. I don't know a lot about love, having only ever been in love with him, but I am pretty much sure there is a difference between the love we used to share and the one my parents still do. I don't know if the one I had in me would have been enough to abandon everything and go with him like Edward does.

So maybe you shouldn't blame him for leaving. Maybe he wasn't sure about it either.

I clench my teeth and push the thought away.

~8~

We have the day free. Four says we should get to know the Dauntless-born initiates, now that we're going to go through the second and the third stages with them, but none of us does as he says. Peter and Molly talk loudly to Drew, who was informed he could stay since Edward left. They didn't look sad when they thought their friend would leave, but I guess it was pretence since they both look relieved now.

Christina, Will and I sit in silence on Will's bed. Every once in a while I throw a glance in the direction of Al's bed. It is the first time someone I know has died, and it plants a dull feeling in my stomach. I should feel sad, but I feel empty. Al and I weren't even that close, but his death affects me a lot.

Around noon I leave the room, saying I need some time alone. I wander around the compound, looking at my feet more than my way. Somehow I find myself standing next to the chasm in The Pit, holding the cold metal tightly and staring to the depths of it. I wonder what Al thought as he stood here all those hours earlier. Did he plan this? Or was it a decision made in the heat of the moment?

I take a few steps back before turning my back to it and leaving.

My legs carry me down the steep paths we walked our first day here, until I reach the net. I stare at it for a few long moments, before climbing on it and crawling to the middle. I lay there with my limbs spread wide open, my eyes staring at the skies far above.

A bird flies there, and I touch my collarbone, trailing the lines of my tattoo. I think about my parents and my brother and all I feel is a pinch of pain, none of the waves of missing them I felt during my first days here.

"I thought I'd find you here."

I look up to see Tobias standing on the edge of the ground, his arms crossed. I say nothing.

"Can I…?" he gestures towards me, as if asking for permission to climb the net next to me.

I nod and close my legs, pulling my hands back to my body while he makes his way towards me with grace that tells me it isn't the first time he's walked on this net.

When he reaches me he lies down. I can feel the heat radiating from his body as he presses into me. "How are you feeling?" he asks. "About Al, I mean. And, well, everything else."

I turn my head to look at him for a moment, and his eyes meet mine. I swallow and look back to the sky. "I hate you," I say, my voice surprisingly calm. I don't know what makes me say it, but it comes out and it feels good. "I hate that I have to see you every day, knowing that you chose to leave me without a word. I hate that apparently I need your help to make it through this initiation. I hate that I still–"I stop myself before saying something I might regret.

His hand finds mine and he intertwines our fingers. I don't pull back. "I can't say I'm sorry," he says and squeezes my hand. "Not about leaving, anyway. I am sorry I didn't tell you before."

"How long had you known?" I ask.

"That I was going to choose Dauntless?" he asks. When I nod, he continues. "I knew I was leaving Abnegation for years, though I only chose Dauntless after my aptitude test."

I frown. "Years?" I turn back to look at him.

He nods. "Since I was ten, I think. I never… I never had any intention staying there."

I feel my eyes water, but I refuse to cry. "Why didn't you tell me, then?"

"I thought… Well, I thought you didn't need me to tell you, in the beginning. Our thing, you know, our rebelliousness… I never belonged there, and neither did you, and I thought you knew that." He sighs. "And when I realized you didn't see things the same way, I just didn't know how to tell you without hurting you."

I sit up and roll on top of him, straddling his hips and bracketing his head with my hands, and looking him straight in the eyes. "So you said nothing, and broke my heart."

I say nothing else as I lift myself and climb back to solid land, leaving Tobias lying on the net and heading back to the dormitory.

~8~

The second stage turns out to be individual. Right after breakfast Four and Lauren lead us to a small corridor with a door at each side and tell us to sit. "We'll call you in one at a time," Lauren says. "Once you finish you have the rest of the day free."

"Peter, you go with Lauren. Drew, with me," Four says and walks into one of the doors, not looking to see if Drew follows him.

When both doors are closed, we all look around at each other. "We just wait?" A Dauntless-born initiate with blond hair asks.

"I guess so," another one says and sits on the ground. She leans her back against the wall and closes her eyes as if trying to sleep, and a moment later everyone sits as well.

It's quiet in the beginning. No one starts small talk, no one makes an effort to communicate until Lauren opens her door twenty minutes later and calls a Dauntless-born initiate named Annabelle. As she closes the door behind her, we turn to look at the other one, waiting for it to open as well.

It takes a few more minutes, but finally Four opens the door and calls Will.

"Good luck," Christina tells him with a small smile.

"So everyone needs a different amount of time in there," one of the Dauntless-born initiates says. He has dark skin and a snake tattoo behind his ear, and I remember him as the one who jumped third. Uriah, I think.

"Seems like it," the blonde girl says. "I wonder what they're going to do to us in there, though, if they give us the rest of the day off."

"It'll be fine, Mar," Uriah tells her with a smile.

Christina is being called before me. I notice that sometimes it takes a few minutes before Four and Lauren open their doors again, and sometimes much longer. Molly stays inside Lauren's room for almost forty minutes, Four having taken three initiates during that time.

He opens the door again and looks at me. "Tris, you're up."

I stand up and walk over the room. I don't know if I'm happy I get to do this stage with him, or disappointed. I close the door behind me and look around.

My eyes are immediately drawn to the chair in the middle of the room. It looks just like the one I sat on during the aptitude test. My heart races as I turn to look at Four.

He approaches the chair and pats it. "Have a seat," he says.

After I climb in he starts busying himself with the wires, attaching them to my temples and my chest. I catch the slight redness in his cheeks as he pulls my shirt down to have access to my chest, and in a moment of ire I snap, "Nothing there you haven't seen yet."

He pulls his hands back as if they were burned and clenches his teeth. He takes a few deep breathes, and I turn my head so my eyes don't meet his as he starts working on the electrodes again.

"This serum," he says when he finishes, and I turn to watch his hands, "is your next stage of initiation." There is a small syringe with orange liquid inside it in his hand. "It will force you to face your fears."

"How?"

"It stimulates your amygdala, which I assume you know if you listened in biology class." When I nod he continues. "Well, the serum produces illusions, which, combined with the stimulation on your amygdalae, will form your biggest fears.

"This screen here will show what is happening inside your head, so I'll be able to see what you are faced with, but I can't help you. You have to overcome your fears by yourself. Once you do it, the simulation will end and you'll wake up."

He reaches forward and grabs my arm, bringing the syringe to touch the inside of my elbow. "Ready?" he asks.

No, I think. "Yes."

~8~

I open my eyes in an empty field. I'm lying on the ground and staring at the skies, and for a moment I don't understand what in this scene is supposed to scare me, but then there's something moving on my collarbone.

I jump to my feet with a yelp and tug my black shirt down, trying to see what is happening. I fail, only feeling a stinging tug.

And then they're out: three little black birds leave my collarbone and begin circling me, growing bigger with every second. I stare at the ravens as they reach normal size, shaken out of my awe only when they start attacking me. A scream leaves my mouth and I close my eyes on instinct, flailing my hands in the air in a lame attempt to shoo the birds.

Their beaks poke the skin on my hands and arms, piercing it and hurting me. "Stop!" I yell as the blood begins to run down my arms. Somewhere in my mind I know they're an illusion, but the pain is real and it pushes that thought deep into the back of my mind.

"Help! Someone help me!"

Suddenly the ravens stop their poking. I open my eyes and see them backing away from me, circling around me again. With a sigh of relief I fall to the ground, tears making their way out of my eyes.

The relief is short lived, soon replaced with horror as each of the ravens' bodies twist and stretch until a new raven breaks out. It keeps happening, and in a matter of seconds I'm surrounded by hundreds of black birds.

There is a moment where it seems like all the birds fix their eyes on me, and not a second later I am drowning in a cacophony of loud shrieks and claps of wings. I'm bleeding and my body is sore and aching, but no matter how hard I flail my hands in the air, the birds keep on coming.

I try to clear my head while tears stream down my cheeks. You have to overcome your fears, Four's voice tells me in my mind. Once you do it, the simulation will end. But how do I overcome hundreds of ravens while they're attacking me?

I bite my bottom lips until I taste blood, and I stop fighting, stop screaming and trying to get out. Just when I think I might pass out, the shrieks and the pokes stop, and I open my eyes in the simulation room. I feel the tears on my cheeks, and instead of being relieved that it's over, I cry harder.

I feel a soft hand on my shoulder, and then Four wraps his arms around me and hugs me tight. "It's okay, Tris. You're safe now. You're safe."

It takes me a while to calm down, and all this time he keeps swaying me in his arms and whispering comforting words in my ear. When I can finally take steady breaths again I push him away and wipe my tears. "What is wrong with this faction?" I ask him, voice trembling somewhere between anger and fright. "This has nothing to do with courage. It's torture."

"If you can clear your mind while facing your deepest fears, you'll be able to do it later when you face other things. It's a tool to build your mentality," he says, but the fact thyat he doesn't meet my eyes and his empty voice tells me he doesn't really agree with these words.

"What does that even mean?" I ask angrily. "Being attacked by hundreds of ravens is not something I'd normally be afraid of. That's just bullshit."

He finally meets my eyes. "Maybe it's not about the ravens. Think about it when you leave this room. What was the simulation really about?"

That night when I lie awake in bed, staring at the dark ceiling, I realize I don't need to think that hard about the meaning of it. It's clear as day. The ravens came out from my tattoo; they represent my family. And they turned against me.

I don't sleep well that night.


	7. Chapter 7

Hi guys!

Okay. This is really hard for me, but I believe it's time to do it. So.

As you can see, this story is far from being updated on a regular basis (really, a whole year between chapters isn't a great achievement). I lost my muse for this a long time ago, and though I tried to keep writing because I wanted to get this finished, I just can't. I feel like I don't wanna write it anymore, and on the other hand like I don't wanna let you guys down.

But the time has come to admit that this work will probably never be finished.

So I'd like to thank everyone who left comments/kudos, to everyone who took time to read this. And I'm so sorry I couldn't finish this! Thank you so much for reading!


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